not enough weekend for me

wo days off barely felt like any time at all. things were busy although the real problem is that JR and i have been so drained of energy that making the most of weekend time is too much work. for my part, i've just been trying to get through the days until we go on vacation.

as for my last post, JR and i did discuss it this weekend. well, more accurately, i told him how i was feeling and he said that he wasn't in a great place to talk about it. i don't take this as rebuff to my reaching out-- sometimes you're just not in a good place to talk about something.

strangely enough, it was something that he said that made caused this issue to resurface. you know the saying: ifor every women, there's a guy tired of f-ing her? yeah, well, that just made me realize that it's not all me. i ackowledge my part in the situation... but the truth is, it ultimately doesn't matter how thin or pretty or whatever i am. because i'll still be me, and there's nothing i can do about that. even at my ideal weight... at some point in the future, that'll be the new norm. and once again, i will not be enough to incite excitement or passion.

i don't feel disheartened by that. i feel relieved. although i may still have another 15 or so lbs to lose, that now seems to be a separate issue from what we are struggling with. at least i can put down the burden of being solely responsible.

how do you know?

for the last few weeks/months i've had the sinking feeling that something is amiss. things are generally going well and no one or nothing is in danger of certain doom. but something just seems off to me, and it could be because i am paranoid, or because something is going on--small but certain,

to be clear, i don't have a generalized sense of anxiety or paranoia. it's really limited to one issue: my sex life with husband. i've written before about the general status of that issue and while there is nothing overtly wrong, the only word i can think to describe it as is: FINE.

ugh. what an awful word to describe such a powerful encounter between people. Sex can be many things: good, fun, exciting, passionate, intense, amazing, painful, rough, bad, awful, miserable, disgusting... you get the point. but fine? you know what is fine: wheat bread. hotel shampoo. stale cookies. the kinds of things that aren't good enough to want more of, nor are they bad enough to turn away from. sex shouldn't be one of those things.

for a while, the prevailing theory on why our sex life was FINE was that i was overweight and that was resulting in a lack of desire on JRs part. painful to hear, but fair enough. i accepted that and did what i could to rectify the situation. i lost 40 lbs (yes, that many) and went from a size 16 to a size 8.

in addition, i got a job and my self-esteem sky-rocketed. i started dressing better. i left the house every day! i had interesting things to talk about at night. in short, i rediscovered the me i had buried under the lbs of weight i was carrying around.

i will be the first to admit that i am not at my goal weight yet. ideally, i would be another 15 (or so) pounds lighter. but that is taking longer than i thought and i am working on it. and, although i am not at my goal weight yet, i think it is fair to say that the difference between me now and 15 lbs thinner is miniscule compare to the difference between where i was and where i am now.

still, nothing. no change. our sex life remains FINE, satisfying on a physical level but void of any real passion or excitement. to be fair, JR's been under job stress and that has been affecting everything--his sleep, his energy, his entire attitude.

but i struggle to determine how much longer i should be patient. at a certain point, he needs to come towards me on this.

whoa.

i felt my shoulder blades today.

surreal-- i always knew they were in there, but had never really felt them. then, today-- when i reached back to scratch my shoulder-- voila! there they were!

cool.

point break, without Keanu Reeves

earlier this week i was rapidly approaching point break(down). various circumstances have been stressing me out lately and by the end of the weekend, i was ready to throw up my hands, throw some punches, and throw a fit! i even broke into tears on Tuesday morning as i told JR that i simply couldn't take it anymore. thank HEAVENS our vacation is only 3 weeks away!

the one positive in this quagmire of stress is that the scale hasn't moved. not one bit. and although that is a little disheartening (go down, dammit!) it's also reassuring in a larger sense. after 4 weeks of a stressed husband, sick child, and disappointing weigh-ins, my weight hasn't budged. i have stayed steady. i see that as a major victory.

i've noticed that my drive to eat has really diminished and that stress doesn't connect to eating nearly as strongly as it used to. i also can recognize when i start stress-eating--as i did last week, sitting down with a a small bowl of marshmallows (!!)-- and stop doing it right away. when i choose to eat something, i do so consciously and with full awareness of what i am doing.
heck, JR and i went out for ice cream last weekend and i didn't feel at all compelled to "eat my share."

i recently started a new fitness program, which i think will give me some direction and help me focus my efforts. it promises to help me "lose those last 10-20 stubborn pounds" but even if it doesn't, i am sure i will be a lot stronger as a result of doing this program. after 2 days, i can tell i have some serious weak spots (my abs, for example, need some serious help) but it's also reassured me that i am in decent shape. at least i'm not hobbling around in pain from 2 days of strength training. :)

as for vacation, well, it can't come fast enough! i booked a 1 bed villa at the Marriott Ko Olina in Oahu for slightly more than I wanted to pay for lodging, but for far less than the sticker price. i feel really confident i got a great deal... and most importantly, it's exactly what we all need. Honolulu and Wakiki are very busy and staying there doesn't feel like a vacation at all, but this property is on the west side of the island, about 20 miles away from Honolulu and right on the beach with a series of protected lagoons, making it ideal for children. aaah.... Hawaii.

weekend of learning (plus twitter)

friday, saturday, and sunday were all days that i tested my food limits and learned what did and did not work for me. here is the run-down:

Friday: went out to lunch with Jr.
i was working from home last Th and F, so I opted to take a few hours and drive in to SF to have lunch with him. it's a nice little slice of love in the middle of an otherwise hectic workday/week and we often are so tired at the end of the day that the romance factor flies out the window at 8 pm.

we went to a great little cafe close to his work where they have yummy salads and sandwiches. i distinctly remember ordering they mediterranean salad, but they gaveme the Med PLATE. that had some great hummus and some type of baba ganoush on it, as well as couscous, feta, and crispbreads (almost crackers). i also ordered a "side" of seared tuna, which was the saving grace. i ate the tuna, crackers, feta, and some BG, and shared the hummus with JR. not a bad meal, but i still regret not asking the cafe to fix my order and bring me the salad.

Saturday: BBQ at friends house. All kinds of yummy food, but nothing too terribly unhealthy. stayed away from potato salad and ate LOTS of carrot sticks (i think my stomach ache at the end of the evening was b/c of all the carrots!). had grilled chicken (which i shared with my daughter) and fruit salad. had some potato chips and 4 cookies. :(

too bad about the cookies. i regret having those too, not because of the calories or anything like that, but b/c i think it is best for me to stay away from trigger foods for a while. my lesson learned from that experience is that i shouldn't sit near the food all night. yes, i know, pretty basic, but i needed to try things out. my willpower was pretty good, but sitting next to all of that food for a few hours made it difficult to resist after a while.

Sunday: Father's Day! Spent more time planning my meals and stuck to the plan about 90%. Some hard spots: making ice cream (i LOVE to lick the spatula after the custard has been poured in to the freezing unit) and navigating the cheese platter than my brother in law brought. i LOVe cheese... a major pitfall for me, so i had 2 pieces. probably = 2 oz. 1 oz too much, but not totally diet wrecking.

am back on plan today, and doing well. don't feel deprived. don't feel hungry. and don't feel guilty. i will move forward with confidence.

fighting the internal demons

Thursday began week 3 of my transition and it didn't exactly start out smoothly. why? because:

• for the first time since i started the program back in February, the scale didn't register a loss during my weigh in on Wednesday night. according to the scale, i weighed 0.3 lbs more than i did the previous week. i'm not terribly upset about that, considered that we did add in a lot more carbohydrates the previous week 9which retain water) and i started a new strength routine, which could also have contributed to weighing heavy. also...
• i started to PMS with a vengence on Thursday. in fact, Thursday - Sunday were absolutely miserable when it came to trying to stick with my plan. i felt hungry ALL THE TIME, as if i couldn't possibly eat enough food. but that's not the worst part. the worst thing was that:
• i couldn't stop THINKING about food. i started thinking about food about 5 minutes after i finished eating! being obsessesed with eating was awful-- inescapable, miserable, and totally draining.

its one thing to be hungry, because--as i have learned, the sensation of hunger comes and goes. it doesn't last forever and it isn't particularly painful or debilitating, at least in short episodes. but the total preoccupation with food that comes with PMS is about the worst thing for someone who is trying to stick to a plan and continue her weight loss.

i admit that i went off plan and chose to eat the following things to calm the Shoulder Devil somewhat:

• 1 extra oz chicken breast (Sat)
• 1 T of chocolate chips (both Sat and Sun)
• 4 large marshmallows (Sun)
• 1 tall skinny vanilla latte (Sun)

as you can see, my off plan choices were neither extreme nor particularly damaging. i was pround of myself for limiting my chocolate intake to 2 T total. and although i originally found myself eating fast and surreptitiously (as in the old binging days), i forced myself to stop, take a bowl, and eat slowly at the dining table, rather that at the kitchen counter. that felt powerful and amazing, because the simple act of totally owning that food choice felt like a switch had been flipped. slowly the ED demons are retreating.

i'm pretty thrilled that the PMS surge has passed, because today already feels so different from the last few days. i can focus on something besides food! i can write about food without salivating! i can actually FOCUS on work! it's something of a tiny miracle... or at least it feels that way.

i am a little nervous about my weigh in on Wednesday, but i have decided not to stress too much and NOT to let that number rule my life. i lost 40 lbs on meal replacements and i could probably lose another 10-15 more--quickly--if i stayed on them. but its time to move on and get busy with the business of living in a world with food. that means that some days i will eat more than others. some days i won't stick with my plan perfectly. and, most importantly, that is ok. i don't need to be perfect to stay on track.

i keep reminding myself: it's really progress toward the ultimate goal that matters, not perfection in execution of every step along the way.

pattern planning

i am nearing the end of week 2 of transition (week 2 = 2 meals/day). i've gotten into a good groove with these meals and find myself planning somewhat repetitive meals, especially to take to work. whew! its so much easier when you just grab the same few things every day. in fact, the extent of my decision is "mixed berries or banana today?" and "2 oz of cheese or 1 oz of cheese and 1 oz of deli turkey?"

the most amazing thing to me is that i am really ok with that. i thought that once i was back to eating again i would yearn for lots of different foods. but even though my options are fairly limited (still no startches or starch vegetables-think bread, rice, and even beans-- and no fats--like olive oil or butter), i am enjoying milk in my coffee again, yogurt and fruit for lunch, and filling salads, vegetables, and lean proteins for dinner. although the specifics change (chicken or fish?) the pattern doesn't, and honestly, i like that. it would be too hard to come up with something new for every afternoon and night.

i think a reason for this is that i am very actively pursuing other interests. i am really enjoying violin again and recently purchased an electric violin to continue my playing. i am also getting into gardening/garden design. as i was repotting my tomato plants this past weekend, i noticed that they are bearing baby tomatoes now! i'm excited! perhaps we will have fresh grape and cherry tomatoes by 4th of July!

probably the biggest factor in my shift in attitude about eating/food is that i no longer have the time to focus on it so much. i'm now a working professional, mother of a 18 month old girl, amatuer violinist, beginning gardener, avid gym-rat, loving wife, and perhaps most importantly, self caretaker.

food can be wonderful to eat and a part of a great experience. JR and I celebrate a couple times a year with a nice dinner at a posh restaurant. for JR's b-day a few years ago we went to Jack Falstaff in SF and before i started this program, we went to Oliveto in Oakland... but those times are more about the experience of being together as adults in a fine dining establishment to celebrate a special occasion.

but more importantly, food should be nourishing. during my year of downward spiral, i forgot to nourish myself through food; i was only feeding my demons. this time around, i am incredibly grateful for every opportunity to prepare a healthy meal, sit down with my family, and feed my body and spirit.